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I Could Have Been Here Sooner

In my first entry (you can read that here), I mentioned that this blog has been a work in progress for years. Sometimes we allow life to hold us back. We have a good idea, a goal, maybe a dream we would like to pursue. We begin to plan it out, take steps towards making it happen – you know, like talking yourself into it, out of it, into it again – Come on, you know exactly what I am talking about. We have all doubted ourselves when it comes to ideas we have, taking a chance, starting something new…especially if it involves stepping outside our comfort zone.

For me, it was a lot of not knowing – not knowing how a blog works, how to design a website, how to this, or how to that – but it was mostly fear and self-doubt. Fear of the unknown, fear of failure, and even fear of success – yes, you read that right, I was afraid of being successful (we will chat more about that later). I was so full of self-doubt that I began to make excuses, allowing life to get in the way prolonging something I knew was important.

Now, one thing was certain, there was no doubt in my mind I would be able to write. I knew week after week, month after month, year after year I would be able to sit down and write. How could I possibly know that? Well, those that know me know that I am not one to boast about my abilities; however, there are a few things I know I do well. Writing is one of them. I have notebook after notebook full of thoughts, poems, song lyrics, life lessons…I guess you could say that I have kept an ongoing journal throughout life. Writing allows me to empty my mind of feelings, thoughts, and emotions; it allows my heart to continue to love without fear. I haven’t shared very much of what I have written, but there are times I put things into words and give to people to let them know how I feel. People have often commented on how well written those things were; how they were moved by what they read. People tell me they enjoy reading things I write; even my husband says it is like reading a book! I believe I was born to write. I have been told many times that people come to me for encouragement. Some call me to brighten their day, some to hear honest advice and some to just simply chat (imagine that)! I can hear you asking, “Why did she have doubts? What was she afraid of?”

The problem was that I was too focused on me:

How would I get people to visit my website? How would I keep them interested? Where would I get the money to support my blog? What would people think about me once they have read it? How would I find the time to keep up with the entries, the comments, the replies?!?!?

All I could think about was ME…but you know what? I was reminded that I don’t have to rely on myself, God would take care of everything. God placed the desire in my heart to talk to people, an overwhelming desire to share my life story – lessons learned, the life I’ve lived, battles I’ve faced, everyday ordeals and how it led up to the person I am today. I want to show people that they are not what has happened to them. They are not their past decisions. I want to provide people with the Hope they so desperately long for. I want other people to know that no matter what, there is Hope. They can be happy, enjoy life, fall in love, be joyful and live in peace…hearing my story can show them those things are possible.

By now, I am PUMPED!! I am ready to go for it…nothing is going to stop me this time. THEN, it hits me. What if I succeed? What if I really touch people’s lives? What if they share the link with their friends, who share it with their friends, who share it with theirs, who share…isn’t that how people go “viral”?!?!

I immediately backed off because, after all, who am I to be telling people how to (or not to) live their life? What if the things I write about really changes people's lives?!?! What if hundreds of people started following me – how would I keep up with them all…am even good enough to be a role model?!?! Can I really help people? Do I have the time to be faithful and consistent to readers (I think they are called followers, but readers sounds less intimidating)?! UGHHHH

Once again, I stopped. I pushed the thought of starting a blog out of my head and busied myself with life. Time passed, life continued to happen and every once in a while I would go back and forth in my mind but, in my heart, I knew what I was supposed to do.

Late last year, I had a conversation with someone. This person said to me, “…Gina, I’ve been meaning to tell you that I admire your strength. The way you handle work, home, just life in general. I haven’t known you very long, but the short time I have, has been inspiring.” I politely nodded, and then he asked if I go to counseling. I causally shook my head no. He wanted to know how I manage so well. What we discussed next was the turning point that propelled me back on track.

This is what I told him: It isn’t as easy as I make it look, and without God, I wouldn’t make it at all. Some days are harder than others. I find ways to keep busy…work, the gym, talking on the phone, diving into music, writing, crafting. Sometimes being in the house alone is too hard. He knew I was referring to the death of my oldest son, and almost winced while asking, “How are you, really though?” I was truthful. There are days I feel like I am drowning. Some days I cannot control the tears; I just let them silently stream down my face. I can hear a song and laugh, but one day hear the same song and gasp for air. Then again, there are days I feel nothing at all, just my normal joyful, happy-go-lucky self. Honestly, you know what helps me the most? Talking. I talk to people. People who knew Isaac. People who are struggling in life. Parents of children who have attempted suicide. People who feel like they just cannot go on. Parents who are having a hard time dealing with being a mom. People who are going through something I myself have experienced – divorce, depression, heartache, loss – young adults who I see making the same mistakes I made. A lot of people reach out to me. Most I know, but you would be surprised at how many I have never even met. I share stories. I listen to theirs. Sharing helps me heal, and encourages others to share theirs. God connects me with people that need to hear my past so it does not become their future. One day I will have a blog that way I can share my story with the world.

At that very moment, the world around me became still. I literally heard myself saying these things as if I was listening to someone else speak. I knew right then and there that, no matter what it took, I had to find a way to make it happen.

I have been working on starting a blog for years now - I had a vision - I got side tracked, discouraged and made excuses, but I never gave up on my dream. I believe that, without vision, there is no goal; without a goal, there is no dream.

I posted this on my Facebook page over two years ago and my vision, my goals, my dreams are just now starting to take root and manifest in our lives...MY POINT is this, do not get discouraged when things don't line up immediately; do not stop working towards your goal because you do not see results; do not allow other people to slow you down. Keep going that direction, keep working, praying, claiming it - don't stop!! One thing I have learned is this: it is MY vision, people do not have to agree, or back me up...God didn't give the dream to them, he gave it to me

Comment below with a goal you are working towards and let me know when you plan on getting started! You can also subscribe to my blog below so we can chat again soon!

Thank you for stopping by.

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